I’m going to piggyback off one of my previous posts, Don’t Feel Down Girl (you can read it here.) As I wrote that post it brought up memories of my ex-fiancé and short relationship.

I’ll start off by prefacing that I was twenty-one and didn’t have a clue on how a relationship like ours worked and he was six years my senior. Now I’ll be the first person to tell you that age doesn’t matter. I loved him even if we didn’t work out and that translated enough to me caring enough to break it off when I knew my heart would never be fully in it.

People always ask what happened when I mention ex-fiancé or that I was engaged. I tell them that we were at different stages in our lives, wanting different things. They then ask if I miss him and I tell them that I do, but it’s not for the reasons they think. I’m okay being single, but at times I do miss the companionship. I simply consider it a learning experience. It taught me more about myself and how to handle a relationship.

The Beginning

We met through mutual friends. I was homeschooled through most of my school years, my family lived in a small town, (that I didn’t grow up in,) and I’m an introvert. Funnily enough the friends we met through had just gotten engaged themselves.

I was three years off from my last relationship, (which funnily enough ended eerily like this one.) My friends fiancé mentioned that he had a friend that he thought would be a good match for me, and asked if I wanted to meet him. I said sure, worst came to worst it didn’t work out and we went our separate ways.

We finally met on a double date on October 26, 2014 with our mutual friends after talking for weeks through Facebook and texting. It was definitely awkward, but nothing that was a turn off and first dates are usually awkward anyways. We seemed to hit off and started dating. 

The Relationship

He was head over heels in love with me and I didn’t realize that for a long time. I was more of the ‘let’s take it slow and see where it goes’ type of person. The first time I should’ve realized something was Christmastime; two months after we had started dating. I got him a gift card. He got me an open hearts diamond necklace from Kay Jewelers; having asked our mutual friend what I would like. She told him a necklace. 

The necklace was pretty and I did try to wear it. There was only one problem, I never had and still don’t wear necklaces, (never been my style of jewelry.) Unfortunately, if I can’t wear it all the time, I usually forget I have it. 

For almost a year our relationship went well  and the thought started to cross my mind that maybe he was the one. My parents liked him, my brother liked him, and most of my friends liked him. I even told my mom that if he proposed, I would say yes. That was because I had a feeling around our one year anniversary that he was going to probably propose soon. I later found out that, yes, he had bought a ring around that time and had asked for my parents blessing.

The Proposal

After I figured out that he was going to propose soon, I figured that it would be at Christmas. Then when it didn’t happen, I assumed Valentine’s Day (extra cheesy in my book, but me not liking Valentine’s day is another story.) When that day passed and he hadn’t proposed, I though he would propose when I walked for graduation. I was wrong. He proposed on the balcony of a beach front condo in Florida while we were vacationing for spring break with him and mutual friends.

I said yes; I was excited, I told my friends and cousins, called my parents and then changed my Facebook status. It was exciting, I was getting married. There were still some reservations I had though, but it would take me months and some therapy sessions to figure it out. (Yes, you can project feelings onto a ring.)

The ring was pretty, but it wasn’t my type or even one that I would’ve picked out for myself. It also caused my undiagnosed nickel allergy to flair up. (Nickel is in all metals except for sterling silver and platinum.) The salesperson also took advantage of him since he didn’t know what he was doing. 

After the Proposal

My elation about being engaged lasted about a week before, what I can best describe as numbness, set in fully. This was followed a month later by anger. The therapist I saw likened it to the cycle of grief. I’m not sure what happened, but all of sudden, being faced with the prospect of spending my whole life with someone caused the rose colored glasses I was wearing to fall away. I was suddenly very aware of little habits that I had overlooked that I wasn’t fond of. These were the kinds that tell you a lot about a persons personality. I realized then, that I wouldn’t be able to change these about him, and that was a deal breaker for me. 

Honestly though, when the numbness set in followed by the anger, I should’ve realized that this wasn’t what I wanted. The first time I noticed a habit of his that I wasn’t fond of was actually a few days after he proposed. Everyone later told me that he was co-dependent especially after we got engaged.

The First Incident 

The first incident, which probably could’ve been fixed if we talked about it, was that he would wake up and go to bed at the same time as me. This would happen even if he wasn’t tired or still tired. I’m an introvert, I like time to myself and he wasn’t giving me that. Simple, stupid fix right? Just talk to him. Yeah, I’m too nice and was too afraid of hurting his feelings, so I didn’t communicate these type of things with him. Honestly, I just didn’t know how to explain to him that I wanted and needed some space without sounding rude. I also stupidly assumed that he would know what I wanted. (Yeah, guys aren’t really good at that. You have to be direct with them (usually).)

The Second Incident 

 The second incident happened in Wal-Mart, also a few days after we got engaged. We had gone there because on of our friends needed an antibiotic prescription filled and I wanted to pick up some more Dramine, (I’m a horrible car traveler and helps with my nausea at night.) I remember telling him to go ahead with our friends, I needed to pick up some Dramine and then I would find them. Nothing new, I had been doing it for years with my parents and friends. 

That night I remember him approaching me and asking if everything was alright between us. I was confused, but assured him that everything was fine between us. He then tells me that he thought something was wrong or that I was mad at him because I didn’t want him to go with me. I don’t even remember what I said, but that yes, everything was fine and that there was nothing wrong. It was a very weird experience for me.

After about a month when I realized that I still had no desire to plan my wedding and wanting a long engagement period (hindsight, again!) I decided that I had commitment issues and I needed to go to therapy to work them out. Guess what, I didn’t. 

Figuring It All Out

It was really a blur for me at the time. All I remember clearly at the time was being pissed, really pissed. I was angry at him that he didn’t talk to me about getting engaged. Pissed because I didn’t like my ring and that he didn’t take me with him to pick it out. Instead he relied on a friend that I only knew a year to help him. When I said simple, I didn’t mean that. 

I also remember my band getting gashes in it from simply wearing it and then finding out that it was tarnishing in them. Then one of my diamonds chipped and I had to have it replaced. Yeah, when I found out what the band was made of and what the 4 c’s of the diamond were and then how much he paid for it. I was not happy with the company. The band was 10K white gold and the diamonds were K color. Which I didn’t find out until they replaced the chipped diamond with one that had a higher color grade and it made my side diamonds look yellow. 

I was not happy with that. 1.) My diamond chipped, 2.) my band was chipping, tarnishing and causing my eczema to flair up from the nickel in the metal. This added onto what he paid for it and being angry with him already, did not make for a good combination. 

Rant Time!

I’m going to sound spoiled and bratty right now, but this is honestly how I felt at the time. As pretty as the ring was, I hated it. Still hate it to this day.  At the time I wished he would’ve gotten me 1.) a bigger diamond, 2.) that I could’ve picked it out myself and 3.) that he spent more than he did on it. 

Rant over

After my many therapy sessions, my therapist helped me come to the conclusion that it wasn’t really the ring I hated, I simply disliked it. The ring was the focal point and physical representation of all my instincts telling me that this was not the right move for me, that I shouldn’t marry him. 

This was about the time that I started to reflect back on our relationship and that’s when the smaller personality traits; the ones I mentioned above that were the deal breaker; became visible to me. I could’ve learned to live with one or two of them possibly, but the others not so much. 

The Breakup

Six months after he proposed and very close to our two year anniversary, I called off the engagement and gave him the ring back. He stopped talking to me. To talk to him, I had to message him first anymore. 

Two weeks later I texted him asking if we could meet up and talk, intending to break up with him. He replied back saying that we should see other people. I agreed and wished him well. There was no dramatic breakup scene, I had never felt better than I did when I broke off the engagement.

Sure, I was pissed that he texted me instead of doing it in person, but now I’m glad he did it that was. It’s hard breaking up with someone one in person. I will tell you now, I had never felt better since I had gotten engaged than when I did when I broke off the engagement. Everything felt right to me. 

The Lesson

So after that long, long story, I’m going to tell you what I learned. I learned that you need to communicate in a relationship. You can’t just assume that your partner is going to understand what you want. The second thing, is that you should never, ever, put anyone’s happiness before yours. Even if it hurts others. You are your first priority.

Disclaimer: This is my personal experience. I wasn’t with the right person for me. I know many people who got married at twenty-one or younger. If you think your partner is the one, by all means take the leap. 

Lotsa Love, 

Liz

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